just slowly

i landed on the 22nd of may, 2010. all of 34 long drive (minus big red, plus the grandmother next door), came to the airport to welcome me to new zealand. they saw me first. someone called out my name, i think it was steven. they were holding up a huge american flag. i laughed.

william was first to hold my hand, on the way to the car. he wanted theo, so henry got alvin. charlotte got a pink one named brittany. i bought them at lax. i probably should have gotten something for the adults as well, but ah.

the drive home was stunning. tamaki drive in may is mint. tamaki drive on any sunny day, i think, is mint.

mary-anne, natalie's mom, gave me a key to the spare room in her flat. she told me that that room was mine to do with whatever i pleased; anytime. she said that i shouldn't feel like i have to tell her when i'm going to be there, what i'm going to be doing, or who i'm going to be doing it with. she said that that room was mine if i needed some peace and quiet or alone time or "if i met someone, and didn't want to spend any money." i giggled politely at that, because what else can you do when a 70-something year old woman insinuates those sorts of things...

i went to my room after a cup of coffee and only planned on taking a short nap before dinner. but i ended up sleeping all the way through to the next day.

they took me to a birthday party almost as soon as i woke up and introduced me to their friends.

oh, have you met our angela? she's our new au pair. angela here is american.

that's basically how it went. every time.

the day after that was my first day on the job. i cried halfway through it. homesickness, probably. and some other sick feeling of "shit, i'm wasting my life cleaning up after these complete strangers." the homesickness went away eventually, but the second sick never did.

a week after that, the boys had their birthday party. natalie had me go around taking pictures of everything and everyone. after that, she dropped me off at britomart with her vest and mary anne's jumper and told me to walk around and get to know the city.

um.

okay, lady.

so i walked. and i walked and i walked and i walked. and i got lost fairly quickly. (except for now i know i wasn't lost at all; i walked along customs, then up queen, then around vulcan lane, down high, back up queen...)

i met my first kiwi galpals that day: bex from the french jewelry shop, and grace from the cd shop. i wandered into their shops and asked what fun thing they could recommend for me to do, and they both ended up giving me lists of cool cities to visit, kiwi bands to listen to, good bars, not so good bars...

helpful. so helpful. they gave me their phone numbers and i gave them mine. they promised they would let me know about, and bring me along to, whatever social event came up so that i could make some more kiwi friends. and they did. and they still do sometimes. :)

i was also offered weed that day, i think. i don't know. i must have said the right tourist phrase or something. i rocked up to the pipe shop to ask them the same questions i asked bex and grace, and they responded with something like, yeah well what are you after, are you looking to get so (sewww) high or just feel good?

neither. not today. but thanks for that, i'll keep you guys in mind.

natalie picked me up at the ferry building. she was so surprised that i had made friends.

um.

okay, lady.

Okay I have to at least try to write about my life as of late. Some for you, but mostly for me. Because one day, maybe years from now, or maybe tomorrow, I'm gonna want to find this. I'm gonna want to read it again. And feel it again.

So.

I drove to the big fish last weekend. And by I drove, I mean Deb drove, and by I, I mean me, Deb, Mila, and Amelie, and by the big fish, I mean to Omapere, four hours north of Auckland. So really, we drove to Omapere. But I, I was driving to the big fish.

Yes, of course it occured to me that I was putting him up on a pedestal and that I was potentially setting myself up for a devastating disappointment. I was ready for that. But the disappointment never came. A private room as promised, intimacy beyond anything I've experienced thus far, the nicest shower I've ever shared (I've never felt so clean), sweet-nothings whispered in three different languages, massages, fresh baguettes for breakfast, crepes the day after... on and on. He spoiled me. And I saw some of his goofy side too, which was perfect. (Although I would have liked to have been goofy with him, but I was too busy giggling at the show he was putting on. It was a good show.)

As the weekend progressed, though, it became less about the big fish, and more about a lot of other people, other things:

It became about Amelie. And her promise to help me make my Big French Dream a reality. And the way she waited for me. And the way she understands me, and the way I think I understand her. And when she said, "I'm glad I met you. I think we're the same," on top of those sand dunes. And how I think she's right.

It became about Frank Sinatra and how beautiful it was to find him there, and not having to wait until I got back to listen to him. And how when I started to feel regretful about leaving early again, his song "My Kind of Town" started playing. And how it just felt so good to dance.

It became about Simone, my first real Italian friend.

It became about endurance. And trying not to care about all the mud. And the things I thought to keep my mind from the walking and the walking and the walking. And surprising myself time and time again, one impossible-looking steep, no-trees-to-grab-onto, slippery-so-slippery slope, after another.

It became about the awe of Mother Nature's majesty. And the way I couldn't fucking believe that I was seeing this shit.

It became about being at the same place with different people who have lived very different lives, and us all having a fantastic time together.

It was an amazing weekend. I still can't believe I lived it.

It was hard to say goodbye to the big fish, but even harder to say goodbye to everything else. But it wasn't really goodbye. It was mostly until next time.

Bap bap bap, where to begin!

Well.

Okay;





Basically, this life just keeps getting better and better. I don't mean just this Kiwi life, no. Not necessarily. Just- THIS life. MY life. I mean, man. I'm almost at a loss for words. Almost. :)

I mean, okay, it's not to say that I haven't had my fair share of uncomfortable experiences, because you know I have. And more importantly, I know I have. BUT GUYS! My glass is so half full right now. No, actually fuck that- My glass isn't big enough right now. Everything is spilling everywhere. Give me a bigger glass.

I just speak in abstractions these days because nothing else I can say could do these feelings justice. I'm just not poetic enough to paint these pictures in my head for you, you know? All I can say is shit like GIVE ME A BIGGER GLASS.

But that's what it is, really.

I just need a bigger glass.

My kiddywinkles like The Beatles! I borrowed "Please, Please Me" from the library on Tuesday, and we've listened to the whole album about seven times now. Yesterday, Henry asked me to draw them, and then asked me who the one with glasses was. So I told him. And now they know John Lennon.




And they also know the chorus of "Sweet Home Chicago."

And to get them to tidy up, I bribe them with a dance to "Single Ladies" in my room. It works every time.

Next week, we're gonna get a Frank Sinatra cd. I can't wait.

Kuya worries about me a lot. I think he thinks I'm doing it all wrong, this living.
It baffles me how different we are sometimes.
But we'll always have the music.

I changed my hometown on Facebook from Lake Jackson to Manila. It's more true this way.

I used to hate nineteen, remember? It's the sophomore year of life, no one gives a damn, blah blah blah. Right? But you know, recently, I've realized that nineteen is beautiful. So beautiful.

Nineteen is possibilities.
Nineteen is the rest of my life.
Nineteen is Thursday.
Nineteen is perfect.

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I've decided that I'd like a B.A. in English. Getting my degree is going to take a lot longer than I'd prefer, but I'm sure it'll make graduation that much sweeter. So, once I get my degree and I'm certified to teach (K-12), I'm gonna hop a plane to Somewhere Else and teach English there. And then maybe Somewhere Else After That. And then when I'm tired of being Elsewhere, I'll go home and teach English. And maybe even a Speech class. Or Drama. Or write. Or go back to school to learn some more. Or anything! I'm afraid I don't know what you mean this time, Avenue Q.

Everything in that paragraph is subject to change as we all know how fickle I am. But this one feels really good, guys. It feels really right.

----------------------------

There are lots of fish in the sea, or so I've been told.

Last weekend, I caught a big fish. A really good one. But unfortunately, this particular fish wasn't the keepin' kind. He was the kind you catch, take a few pictures with, and then toss back into the water where he belongs. And then you look at those pictures for days -maybe weeks- after, and you grin every time, and you think, "Yup. Yes sir. That happened. That really happened."

----------------------------

Australia in two months, Stephanie in three, home soon after that!

A Prayer

I hope I never think
"It's good enough."

Natalie's put me in touch with a fresh new French au pair from the suburb next door. We chatted a bit earlier. I typed in English, she typed in French, and we both learned things. So dope!

I wish I could bring people back as souvenirs.

Bon nuit.

This morning off

"In the morning it was morning and I was still alive."
Charles Bukowski

So I've always anticipated "What's death?" to be the most challenging question a child could ask me. They would ask this, and I would have to answer- oh god. So yeah I thought this for a long time, until Charlotte asked me the other day- "What's alive?"

Shower. Then to my beloved sweet shop, the library, this morning. Then I must hang my washing, damnit.

Yes weekend.

Okay so you know those blue pajamas I have? The loose, airy, MC Hammer ones? I'm wearing those right now. And no panties. Yeah. And this, what it feels like, this is the way my weekend felt. :)

Friday night was rough on Friday night, but it's Sunday night now, and on Sunday night, Friday night was actually really great. And you know what, they said that they didn't like Katy Perry but if she was marrying Russell Brand, then there must be something very right there. And then I thought, that logic applied to my life, me as Katy Perry, and you you and you and all of you as Russell Brand... You know I really don't like myself sometimes, but with that logic, then maybe yeah, there is definitely something very right with me.

Saturday was spent doing good things. I was supposed to meet up with Aisha, an au pair I met online, at the Starbucks on Queen Street at two (Queen is a lot like Michigan Ave, except for I'd never be able to meet you at the Starbucks on Michigan, because which Starbucks right?), but I got distracted by the book sale at Whitcoull's. I bought "Diary" by my Chucky P. Five minutes later, I gave the book to Aisha because honestly I have more than enough to read right now. (I've actually started wishing for few more pairs of eyes precisely for this reason but the woodpecker just keeps crying, "If only, if only.") So that. We popped into Vulcan Lane to say hello to my Vulcan Lane friends, and then went to Cassette's Saturday Supermarket. Found two treasures and I can't wait to go back. Deb met up with us, then we three hopped the 756 to Mission Bay where we had some yum food and I bought my first bottle of wine! (Tawhiri Marlborough New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc 2008, empty, standing between Mary Poppins and my parcel from Marlin.) We laired for quite some time, watching old as music videos and "just talking shit" as Deb would say. Got ready for a night on the town, but missed the bus, so Aisha and I went back to the lair and watched "Annie Hall", la dee da.

Today today today I had breakfast with Aisha at Sierra, waited for her bus with her, then took in (HA) "The Last Station." Loved it and I'm ready to read "War and Peace" next I think. Went home, did a big tidy up of my room, danced with the kids, read some of "Post Office," had dinner, and now here I am, in my MC Hammer pajamas, not wearing panties, feeling so great.

Current.

I exist in too many places. Divide and conquer wasn't my strategy, I just get nomadic about these things sometimes. And antsy.

Snickers kicked my inexperienced ass last night. Said the word far too early, party foul. Please don't hold it against me, Cooler Kids.

Reconsidered reconsidering. Almost changed my mind again, but, no. Not this life, not right now.

Thrilled to have Deborah on my team. And Bev, too. We're gonna play some good games, I'm sure.

Love that my nails are so green. Excited for Christmas!

Okay, Saturday. Bring it.